Update & Some thoughts on the "Roller Coaster"

Update
Well, I am apparently not the greatest blogger in the world. I'm not even sure when my last post on here was. However, since my last post I almost didn't graduate, ended up graduating in December, took & passed my nursing boards, went to the SSU RN pinning ceremony, walked at commencement, and have now been on the job hunt. That is my general update on my life over the past... 7-10 months?

The Roller Coaster
The other day I was talking to a friend, a recently new follower of Jesus. My friend was describing their relationship with Jesus to be kind of like a roller coaster- times of feeling extremely close to Jesus, and then times of loneliness, feeling separated from our savior. A gap, a chasm, a shadowy place that separate us from the one who loves us. My initial reaction was, oh that normal. I've been there, I still get to those places some times. But then I began to wonder, is it normal? Are these shadowed valleys,
the chasms really normal? Or is it really only that way for some people?

Well, I know that most Christians will often times have the "mountain-top" experience after things like really powerful conferences, missions trips, and intense times of worship and prayer- essentially a Christian high, an intimacy with God so close that your senses are overwhelmed, and you can feel Him surrounding you, joy overflowing, giddiness, peace, euphoria, being filled with the Spirit (Is 29:9, Eph 5:18). After you have your first taste of God's presence theres nothing you want more, no desire greater that to be consumed by the presence, the pure, all consuming love of YHWH... The I Am.

But it doesn't last, for some reason in my experience it doesn't last. After experiencing this closeness to our creator, we turn our head for a moment and we slip. You plummet down into a ravine so quickly you don't even know what happened, you finally hit the bottom and look up and around you and have no idea how you got there. The intimacy that was once had with the Creator is gone. It can be a crippling experience. You wonder, did I do something wrong? Where did He go? And even sometimes, in the darkest of places, Does He even exist? Sometimes it takes ages to get out of these dark spots, sometimes you feel like you've been lost in them for years. Sometimes you are.

For me my relationship with Jesus has been just that, like a bi-polar heroine addict. I can go on these drastic swings, from a wikid high, to a really really low. I can go from pursuing my relationship with Jesus like crazy, living daily in his presence... to wondering if God could ever even exist... in a matter of days. Granted things haven't been quite like that for a while (nock on wood), but I still do have these swings, this roller coaster relationship. The highs are still pretty darn good, but thank you Jesus- the lows aren't quite so bad anymore. After years and years of this, I can finally catch myself on the way down. I can feel myself slipping almost like in slow motion. I know what's going to happen, I can catch myself- well Jesus... he catches me.

But see thats the thing. Being in relationship with Jesus, with my creator, my father is exciting, its exhilarating.  Its like a pair of trapeze artist flowing smoothly together through the air. You get a rush from the flight, relief from being caught and in safe hands, and sent of again hurtling to the next bar.

But sometimes you miss the bar. Accidents do happen. Its never purposeful, always a mishap. You've released and it was at just the wrong second and you're flying through the air and either over or under estimated the landing point. You're flying through the air and all of the sudden you're thinking wait I've been here too long, I should have already landed, or wait I was supposed to go so much farther, so much bigger! But
you're falling. Fearful, disheveled, disoriented, falling. But the thing is, when you fall and your partner is Jesus- HE FELL FOR YOU! He already made the fall and is there to CATCH YOU. Not only is he your partner as you fly through the air from bar to bar, but he is there below you ready to catch you if you fall. And if you're hurt when you land, he is right there to bandage you and nurse you right back to health! Then once you're healed, he is the ultimate coach. He doesn't let you just sit there on the ground fearful of what may lay ahead. He walks you up the tower, gently leading and coaching you every step of the way. He helps you to gather your courage and sets you soaring again. He is always patient but never relents.

But just like everything in life, practice makes perfect. We all fall, and when you are whole heartedly devoted to your relationship with Jesus, you get back up again. You take him by the hand and trust him even when you don't want to. You let him mop your brow, bandage your broken arm, and  heal your concussion- even if the only thing you want to do is curl up in the fetal position and never look up again. Then you get back up and you climb to the top of the tower - sometimes hesitantly, other times slowly, step-by-step. You reach the top take a deep deep breath, and take the leap. It is a leap of faith, of anticipation, hope, and sometimes still a twinge of fear. But you keep going, and each toss and catch becomes more perfect. Each flip and twirl more elaborate. Each set more magnificent. And still you might fall, but the healing brings even deeper, more close intimacy. And soon- or not so soon- the falling isn't so bad. You know its going to happen, but you can catch your landing - maybe with a twisted ankle, maybe standing up straight. And you keep climbing the tower, with more and more anticipation of what the next set will be.

But the thing is, even when you're flying solo up in the air he's always there below you ready to catch you if you fall, but always anticipating a glorious and perfect dismount.

So these are my brief and incomplete thoughts on the matter.

Into the Fog

Most of my life has been pretty clear cut. In high school I knew that I needed to get good grades in order to go to a good college. It was a one, two, three process. Step one, go to school and get good grades; step two, apply to college; step three, choose college of choice and attend. My life was planned, I knew what to expect and where I was going. I knew exactly what I was going to major in and what I was going to do after graduation. And for the most part things have gone just as that. In my senior year of high school I applied to four different schools, and for the first year and a half I attended my first choice school, Messiah College. But God, he has a way of getting in there and mixing things up, just a little bit. For some reason or other I wasn't supposed to be there, I was unhappy and making poor decision so I decided to transfer to a school close to home.

Now, here I was at a different school- a different school, but still with the same major I had always been. Nursing. Being a nursing student has been a defining characteristic of who I am, being a nurse defines who I am personality-wise. Hard working, caring, compassionate, empathetic, loving, dedicated, having awareness of the person's whole being- these are all qualities that God has given me and that define who I am as a daughter of God.

Yet even when I had separated myself from God, my plans had not changed at all. I was going to be a nurse, and a darn good one at that. The qualities that God has given me were always there, but now only amplified. In coming to know God in a personal relationship I began to re-realize that there is a missional calling on my life. And this all fit perfectly into "my plan". Now the 1, 2, 3 step plan had changed. It became step 1, do well in college and be the best nursing student you can be. Step 2, graduate school and get experience working as a nurse. And finally step 3, get involved with an international organization or mission's team.

Yet as I have come closer and closer to graduation I have become increasingly aware of the realities that await me outside of my comfortable little nursing student bubble. First, it is becoming increasingly difficult to find employment as a nurse in the general metro-boston area, even in nursing homes. Second, any organization that will take nurses over-seas requires a minimum of two years experiences in your specific field and specialty. And thirdly (things really seem to becoming in threes here), that in order to do what I want to do, my initial post graduation plans nearly ALL need to be reevaluated and possibly changed.

The first thing, I can't really do much of anything about that. All I can do is pray and trust God to lead and guide me to where and what it is that He wants me to be doing. The only thing I can do is to trust God to provide for my every need, just as Jesus says in Matt 6:32-34, my Father already knows exactly what I need. All I must do is seek his kingdom and his righteousness first, and everything else will be given to me as well. And finally not worry about the future, as the future worries for itself. That I must focus on the present day that I am in for that is all God has given me to handle. This is all SO hard for me to remember. I keep looking forward, I keep wondering what is the next step. Where am I going to go next, what am I going to do. All I can do is seek my Father first and trust that he will provide the right opportunities for me when the time comes.

The second, I can do absolutely nothing about. I can either work for the experience, give up, or find someone who will take me with little to know training other than my education. The second is not even an option- I will not give up on God's calling on my life. The third is highly unlikely, but possible if God provides. The first is most likely but still very difficult, and again only possible if God provides me with the opportunities.

And finally third, graduate studies. This is where my most drastic realizations about necessary change have been occurring. Ever since entering nursing school I knew I was going to be a pediatric nurse. The was no question in the matter, it was absolutely logical. I LOVE kids. No, I ADORE them. Its not uncommon that I will actually get along better with children than I do adults. I live off the energy that they exude, the resilience, hope, the purity that children have, even at older ages. Even when a child is sick I am joyful in being blessed to be able to care for them, to be part of their healing process. Yet I am now beginning to see that this may not be the area to which God has called me.

I have always found it amazing how transformative small bouts of time can be.  Last week I took an intensive week long Medical Ethics class. Not only did the class turn out to be taught be the best professor I have been blessed to have (despite his enormous language problems... how to put it nicely, he liked to swear, A LOT) but the class was enlightening not only about Medical issues, but also just the simple joy of thought.  Anyways, while in this class we learned about policy making and how policy has been influenced in our own health care "system". It is actually quite disgusting, but as we were talking about health care in the United States I began to become filled with this anger, almost rage. And I began to feel a passion for this area. Not just policy making, but simply put health care organization and development in developing and third world nations.

Now this is where all of the issues come in. Over the past year God has been working in me a lot. But especially with the regards to my future, He has asked me time and time again to surrended- which I keep doing. First was the surrender of the possibility of ever returning to South America which once stole my heart. Then came the surrendering of having a choice in where I would go, to be willing to go legitimately ANYWHERE, even if it was the last place on earth that I would want to go, which I have done. And now here goes my dreams of being a pediatric nurse, of pursing a career devoted to the care of children, well at least for now.

After doing some research over the past few days, into what my next possible step for graduate work could be I have come up with a total number of ONE school that offers a Masters of Nursing in the specific area of Global Health. There are many others that offer public health and development with an international concentration, but nothing to do with nursing. I feel as though God is asking me to surrender myself to him. To surrender who I am, who he has made me to him. To surrender my calling, my career to him. And it may not come down to this, I may be able to continue to practice nursing along with a degree of a different nature. But it is all so different, terrifying, unknown.

I once knew exactly what I was going to do, where I was going to end up, how I was going to get there. Now everything in my future has been stripped away and I have nothing left. There is no certainty, not even a plan. The only thing that I am certain of is that I am to seek after God. So even while my future is consumed in a thick, milky white fog and I can't see more than 2 feet in front of my face God has my path already mapped out and I am not to worry. Despite my uncertainty, I am completely certain of God, as he knows all of my needs. It does't matter what happens to me, where I go, or what I do. As long as I seek Him and his righteousness first, He will provide the rest. He has set my feet upon the path and has placed a light in front to guide me. I am sure that I have nothing to fear even though I can't see more than 2 feet ahead of me as my savior, father, God, and friend is guiding me. 

In the beginning...

This past year has been full of twists, turns, and 180s. I'm finally on a straight path, or about as straight as they can come. I have found my one love, my true joy, what brings me peace, and instills patience, who  helps me do all things in kindness, inspires me to goodness, and is helping me develop my self control.

The journey to where I am now has not been an easy one. It started as a call from God while I was sitting at my desk back home. I had been running for such a long time, trying not to get caught. I had been doing everything in my power to keep me from who I am. Then one day after about two years of constant running- from places, people, things, I let my guard down and gave up. My decision to give up, to stop running from everything that is best for me, has turned out to be one of the most, if not the most influential and important decision of my life.

One afternoon sitting in my desk chair, I turned around and collapsed into God's arms. The journey from that point on was not always rainbows and butterflies. It was and has continued to be hard work, yet it is the most fulfilling, joy giving task I have ever been given. At times it is heart wrenching, as you realize your own brokenness and break down in tears, as the conviction of the Spirit falls on you, as you surrender everything that you once held dear. But what you get from this, what you are able to do from this is so much better than anything you could ever have possibly even imagined before.  I can not even begin to try to come up with a vocation more important than sharing the love of God, and the saving grace of Jesus with the rest of the world.