Most of my life has been pretty clear cut. In high school I knew that I needed to get good grades in order to go to a good college. It was a one, two, three process. Step one, go to school and get good grades; step two, apply to college; step three, choose college of choice and attend. My life was planned, I knew what to expect and where I was going. I knew exactly what I was going to major in and what I was going to do after graduation. And for the most part things have gone just as that. In my senior year of high school I applied to four different schools, and for the first year and a half I attended my first choice school, Messiah College. But God, he has a way of getting in there and mixing things up, just a little bit. For some reason or other I wasn't supposed to be there, I was unhappy and making poor decision so I decided to transfer to a school close to home.
Now, here I was at a different school- a different school, but still with the same major I had always been. Nursing. Being a nursing student has been a defining characteristic of who I am, being a nurse defines who I am personality-wise. Hard working, caring, compassionate, empathetic, loving, dedicated, having awareness of the person's whole being- these are all qualities that God has given me and that define who I am as a daughter of God.
Yet even when I had separated myself from God, my plans had not changed at all. I was going to be a nurse, and a darn good one at that. The qualities that God has given me were always there, but now only amplified. In coming to know God in a personal relationship I began to re-realize that there is a missional calling on my life. And this all fit perfectly into "my plan". Now the 1, 2, 3 step plan had changed. It became step 1, do well in college and be the best nursing student you can be. Step 2, graduate school and get experience working as a nurse. And finally step 3, get involved with an international organization or mission's team.
Yet as I have come closer and closer to graduation I have become increasingly aware of the realities that await me outside of my comfortable little nursing student bubble. First, it is becoming increasingly difficult to find employment as a nurse in the general metro-boston area, even in nursing homes. Second, any organization that will take nurses over-seas requires a minimum of two years experiences in your specific field and specialty. And thirdly (things really seem to becoming in threes here), that in order to do what I want to do, my initial post graduation plans nearly ALL need to be reevaluated and possibly changed.
The first thing, I can't really do much of anything about that. All I can do is pray and trust God to lead and guide me to where and what it is that He wants me to be doing. The only thing I can do is to trust God to provide for my every need, just as Jesus says in Matt 6:32-34, my Father already knows exactly what I need. All I must do is seek his kingdom and his righteousness first, and everything else will be given to me as well. And finally not worry about the future, as the future worries for itself. That I must focus on the present day that I am in for that is all God has given me to handle. This is all SO hard for me to remember. I keep looking forward, I keep wondering what is the next step. Where am I going to go next, what am I going to do. All I can do is seek my Father first and trust that he will provide the right opportunities for me when the time comes.
The second, I can do absolutely nothing about. I can either work for the experience, give up, or find someone who will take me with little to know training other than my education. The second is not even an option- I will not give up on God's calling on my life. The third is highly unlikely, but possible if God provides. The first is most likely but still very difficult, and again only possible if God provides me with the opportunities.
And finally third, graduate studies. This is where my most drastic realizations about necessary change have been occurring. Ever since entering nursing school I knew I was going to be a pediatric nurse. The was no question in the matter, it was absolutely logical. I LOVE kids. No, I ADORE them. Its not uncommon that I will actually get along better with children than I do adults. I live off the energy that they exude, the resilience, hope, the purity that children have, even at older ages. Even when a child is sick I am joyful in being blessed to be able to care for them, to be part of their healing process. Yet I am now beginning to see that this may not be the area to which God has called me.
I have always found it amazing how transformative small bouts of time can be. Last week I took an intensive week long Medical Ethics class. Not only did the class turn out to be taught be the best professor I have been blessed to have (despite his enormous language problems... how to put it nicely, he liked to swear, A LOT) but the class was enlightening not only about Medical issues, but also just the simple joy of thought. Anyways, while in this class we learned about policy making and how policy has been influenced in our own health care "system". It is actually quite disgusting, but as we were talking about health care in the United States I began to become filled with this anger, almost rage. And I began to feel a passion for this area. Not just policy making, but simply put health care organization and development in developing and third world nations.
Now this is where all of the issues come in. Over the past year God has been working in me a lot. But especially with the regards to my future, He has asked me time and time again to surrended- which I keep doing. First was the surrender of the possibility of ever returning to South America which once stole my heart. Then came the surrendering of having a choice in where I would go, to be willing to go legitimately ANYWHERE, even if it was the last place on earth that I would want to go, which I have done. And now here goes my dreams of being a pediatric nurse, of pursing a career devoted to the care of children, well at least for now.
After doing some research over the past few days, into what my next possible step for graduate work could be I have come up with a total number of ONE school that offers a Masters of Nursing in the specific area of Global Health. There are many others that offer public health and development with an international concentration, but nothing to do with nursing. I feel as though God is asking me to surrender myself to him. To surrender who I am, who he has made me to him. To surrender my calling, my career to him. And it may not come down to this, I may be able to continue to practice nursing along with a degree of a different nature. But it is all so different, terrifying, unknown.
I once knew exactly what I was going to do, where I was going to end up, how I was going to get there. Now everything in my future has been stripped away and I have nothing left. There is no certainty, not even a plan. The only thing that I am certain of is that I am to seek after God. So even while my future is consumed in a thick, milky white fog and I can't see more than 2 feet in front of my face God has my path already mapped out and I am not to worry. Despite my uncertainty, I am completely certain of God, as he knows all of my needs. It does't matter what happens to me, where I go, or what I do. As long as I seek Him and his righteousness first, He will provide the rest. He has set my feet upon the path and has placed a light in front to guide me. I am sure that I have nothing to fear even though I can't see more than 2 feet ahead of me as my savior, father, God, and friend is guiding me.
Now, here I was at a different school- a different school, but still with the same major I had always been. Nursing. Being a nursing student has been a defining characteristic of who I am, being a nurse defines who I am personality-wise. Hard working, caring, compassionate, empathetic, loving, dedicated, having awareness of the person's whole being- these are all qualities that God has given me and that define who I am as a daughter of God.
Yet even when I had separated myself from God, my plans had not changed at all. I was going to be a nurse, and a darn good one at that. The qualities that God has given me were always there, but now only amplified. In coming to know God in a personal relationship I began to re-realize that there is a missional calling on my life. And this all fit perfectly into "my plan". Now the 1, 2, 3 step plan had changed. It became step 1, do well in college and be the best nursing student you can be. Step 2, graduate school and get experience working as a nurse. And finally step 3, get involved with an international organization or mission's team.
Yet as I have come closer and closer to graduation I have become increasingly aware of the realities that await me outside of my comfortable little nursing student bubble. First, it is becoming increasingly difficult to find employment as a nurse in the general metro-boston area, even in nursing homes. Second, any organization that will take nurses over-seas requires a minimum of two years experiences in your specific field and specialty. And thirdly (things really seem to becoming in threes here), that in order to do what I want to do, my initial post graduation plans nearly ALL need to be reevaluated and possibly changed.
The first thing, I can't really do much of anything about that. All I can do is pray and trust God to lead and guide me to where and what it is that He wants me to be doing. The only thing I can do is to trust God to provide for my every need, just as Jesus says in Matt 6:32-34, my Father already knows exactly what I need. All I must do is seek his kingdom and his righteousness first, and everything else will be given to me as well. And finally not worry about the future, as the future worries for itself. That I must focus on the present day that I am in for that is all God has given me to handle. This is all SO hard for me to remember. I keep looking forward, I keep wondering what is the next step. Where am I going to go next, what am I going to do. All I can do is seek my Father first and trust that he will provide the right opportunities for me when the time comes.
The second, I can do absolutely nothing about. I can either work for the experience, give up, or find someone who will take me with little to know training other than my education. The second is not even an option- I will not give up on God's calling on my life. The third is highly unlikely, but possible if God provides. The first is most likely but still very difficult, and again only possible if God provides me with the opportunities.
And finally third, graduate studies. This is where my most drastic realizations about necessary change have been occurring. Ever since entering nursing school I knew I was going to be a pediatric nurse. The was no question in the matter, it was absolutely logical. I LOVE kids. No, I ADORE them. Its not uncommon that I will actually get along better with children than I do adults. I live off the energy that they exude, the resilience, hope, the purity that children have, even at older ages. Even when a child is sick I am joyful in being blessed to be able to care for them, to be part of their healing process. Yet I am now beginning to see that this may not be the area to which God has called me.
I have always found it amazing how transformative small bouts of time can be. Last week I took an intensive week long Medical Ethics class. Not only did the class turn out to be taught be the best professor I have been blessed to have (despite his enormous language problems... how to put it nicely, he liked to swear, A LOT) but the class was enlightening not only about Medical issues, but also just the simple joy of thought. Anyways, while in this class we learned about policy making and how policy has been influenced in our own health care "system". It is actually quite disgusting, but as we were talking about health care in the United States I began to become filled with this anger, almost rage. And I began to feel a passion for this area. Not just policy making, but simply put health care organization and development in developing and third world nations.
Now this is where all of the issues come in. Over the past year God has been working in me a lot. But especially with the regards to my future, He has asked me time and time again to surrended- which I keep doing. First was the surrender of the possibility of ever returning to South America which once stole my heart. Then came the surrendering of having a choice in where I would go, to be willing to go legitimately ANYWHERE, even if it was the last place on earth that I would want to go, which I have done. And now here goes my dreams of being a pediatric nurse, of pursing a career devoted to the care of children, well at least for now.
After doing some research over the past few days, into what my next possible step for graduate work could be I have come up with a total number of ONE school that offers a Masters of Nursing in the specific area of Global Health. There are many others that offer public health and development with an international concentration, but nothing to do with nursing. I feel as though God is asking me to surrender myself to him. To surrender who I am, who he has made me to him. To surrender my calling, my career to him. And it may not come down to this, I may be able to continue to practice nursing along with a degree of a different nature. But it is all so different, terrifying, unknown.
I once knew exactly what I was going to do, where I was going to end up, how I was going to get there. Now everything in my future has been stripped away and I have nothing left. There is no certainty, not even a plan. The only thing that I am certain of is that I am to seek after God. So even while my future is consumed in a thick, milky white fog and I can't see more than 2 feet in front of my face God has my path already mapped out and I am not to worry. Despite my uncertainty, I am completely certain of God, as he knows all of my needs. It does't matter what happens to me, where I go, or what I do. As long as I seek Him and his righteousness first, He will provide the rest. He has set my feet upon the path and has placed a light in front to guide me. I am sure that I have nothing to fear even though I can't see more than 2 feet ahead of me as my savior, father, God, and friend is guiding me.
you go girl, proud of you :)
ReplyDelete"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11